“Life’s greatest love is found in relationships and it deepest hurts are found their as well. “
Gary writes that a lack of love from our parents often motivates children to go searching for love in other relationships. This search is often misguided and leads to future disappointment. Many adults have felt unloved by one or both parents. Is it that their parents really did not love them, or just that they communicated it in a way that you as the child could not understand it.
How you talk may not be how the other person hears. Gary speaks about Marriage in this section. Have you ever noticed how when you meet someone you really dig, there is nothing that they can do or say that is wrong, and you can justify just about any action, thought or feeling?
Gary writes about 2 stages of relationships;
Stage 1 he calls obsession love. It occurs for the first 2 years of a relationship. This is where you live under the illusion that the person with whom you are in love is perfect….at least perfect for you. You have irrational thoughts, I will never be happy unless we are together. Differences are minimized or denied, no matter what others bring to your attention. It is usually in this stage people get married or move in together.
Stage 2 he calls covenant. This stage is where passion must be fed and nurtured, obsession starts to fade, illusion of perfection evaporated, you wonder how you could have been so blind. You being to focus on yourself and realize your lover is no longer meeting your needs, your dreams.
Covenant love is conscious love. Intentional love. Our behaviors will affect our partners emotions. You can get into a pattern of expecting your partner to fill the voids that you have allowed the illusion in stage one to fill. The entire time, it was all an illusion and they are not filling the void at all, however you thought they were. It is essential that you do not look upon your partner to fill your voids. You must do that within. When 2 whole people come together there the extra is abundance that runs over. When 2 people that come together are incomplete they need to take something from the other and are more interested in taking then giving or giving then taking and the enjoyment that can come from a relationship is no longer fun and expanding, now it is demanding and tiring. Don’t get me wrong you can learn and grow and learn how to fill the voids with a partner, however you have to fill them yourself, it is not the others persons JOB. I read an article on the first lady and she said she gets up at 4:30am every morning to do something for herself, workout usually. She mentioned if she did not do good for her, she would be no good for anyone else. You can only give from an overflowing cup. If you do not fill up your cup, who will? We get into spots in our life where we give up on our dreams for the sake of our partner, our families or we just start to loose believe in ourselves. That is the connect we require first. Who are you and what makes you come alive.
It is covenant love that sustains a relationship through the years and leads the 50 year old husband to say about his wife, I love her more today then the day we got married.
I will never forget the story my grandmother told when her nephew and his wife came to visit one day. My grandparents were sitting in their living room and their nephew and his wife came in for a visit. The young man ran his fingers across my grandmothers tv cabinet and said, “Oh Aunt Rita, I can see you have not dusted in a while.” My grandmother laughed, because she knew not to take herself or him to personally. I of course asked…”What did his wife say” His wife’s reaction forever stays with me. She said, “Oh Tim”, and smiled and sat down. That was it, really? She loved the man she was with and he did not have to be someone he was not to “FIT IT” He belonged, partly because she loved and accepted him unconditionally. I thought she would have been embarrassed or gave him proper crap, but she did not. That is what unconditional acceptance and love looks like.
Every relationship has issues, every person has learning’s to do. The trick is to do the learning. So many walk away as if it is the others fault this or that happened. It is the others fault they feel the way they do. They forget to take 100% responsibility for their feelings and actions. 4 out of 5 who divorce will remarry and repeat the cycle with another mate. 60 % who re-marry will experience a second divorce and single again, unless they learn the true nature of love and are more successful in their communications, learning’s and personal responsibility.
Gary writes there are 5 main languages of love. We can receive love through all 5 languages but if our primary language is not spoken we will not feel loved. It is not uncommon that we speak our own language of love, not our partners, leaving us feeling confused and not understanding why the other person does not feel loved by us when we do truly love them.
1 – Which of your relationships do you consider to be healthy?
2- Which of your relationships would you like to see improved and how?
3 – How would you describe your relationship with your mother, your father?
4- In dating relationships, how many times have you experienced Stage 1 love?
5- Where you able to make the transition to stage 2 why or why not?
6- Are you will to invest time in learning to speak the five love languages?