As I have been doing some research on child raising with Brene Brown, one of the things that has stuck out to me was the way she separates shaming a child vs. quilting a child, those being the terms she uses. Shaming means, a child is left with a feeling they are bad. Guilting your child means a child is left with a feeling they are good, but their actions are bad or they made a bad choice.
When I was little I had a younger cousin who was, well a bit wild. My mom would always say to him, you are not a bad boy, it is your actions I do not like. She was one of those wise moms. I still remember that and do my best with my own children to ensure they know that they are love and they are perfect, it is only their actions or choices that I get upset with. So, those of you that follow my Key Solutions – Transformational Coaching facebook page recall recently I wrote about the importance of not shaming our children and how we have to be the people we want our children to become. They will become who we are, before they become what we say to be. Taking everything I study, I really look at it in my own life and I started to discover that I was not doing what I wanted my children to be doing, what I wanted them to be feeling. I am a mom and want my kids no matter what they do to know they are good and love and complete just by being them. As I realized what I wanted for them and looked at their daily actions I realized it is very hard for me to take most types of criticism. For the fact that if I did it would mean I was not perfect and if I was not perfect then there was no way I was loveable. So my entire life I have been walking around attempting to be everyone else’s version of perfect and when I did not meet that expectation I immediately considered myself unlovable. WOW!!!!! What a fantastic realization. (I always get excited about these as when I recognize something about me that does not serve me anymore I get to change it. We really do have the power in our own lives to make it what we want. We just have to be open to our vulnerabilities to see what does not serve us anymore) I started to recognize when someone said something to me that I felt corrupted my perfection it was not me they were talking about, it is an action I took or a choice I made. It really does not have anything to do with my authentic self. My entire world shifted this week and I tell you all this from a complete place of vulnerability, because I feel so many of us do that. When you become defensive to something it is because it does not serve you, because it is not of you. Separate “yourself” from what you do, your choices and your actions. You are a piece of this force we call life and you are important and amazing. I encourage you to join me in becoming willing to stand up and be seen. Love and belonging is a birthright and as Brene says, are not on the table when troubles come into our lives.
You are not your actions, you take actions. You are not your personality, you have a personality. You are not your body, you have a body.